[01-05-2026]
>> I'VE COME TO REALIZE SOMETHING. THE BULB IN MY BRIGHT LAMP WENT OUT, SO IT'S ONLY DIMLY LIT IN MY ROOM AT NIGHT. I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED LATELY, MY THERAPIST ASKED ME IF I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT SSRI'S. SHE'S THE SECOND THERAPIST IN A ROW TO ASK THAT EXACT QUESTION WITH A SHOCKINGLY SIMILAR AMMOUNT OF HESITATION. THE LIGHT BEING OUT ISN'T HELPING WITH MY MOOD. BUT I WONT ASK MY MOM FOR NEW BULBS FOR SOME REASON. THE THOUGHT ALONE TERRIFIES ME. I HATE BEING IN THE DARK, AND I HATE BEING ALONE, I HATE BEING LIKE THIS AND DEALING WITH ALL THE WAYS EVERYBODY FUCKED ME UP AS A CHILD, BUT I ALSO HATE THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO FIX IT. WHAT IF IT'S NOT EASY? WHAT IF I FIND THE PAIN OF STAGNANCY MORE SATISFYING THAN THE PAIN OF CHANGE? AM I WRONG? AM I NOT REALLY IN PAIN? HOW DOES THAT CLASSIFY? WHAT IF I WOULD RATHER ROT THAN THRIVE? AM I OWED THAT? I WOULD RATHER DROWN THOUGHTS IN FLOWERS AND CANDY THAN ACKNOWLEDGE IT PROPERLY. IF I CAN GET SO HIGH I CAN IGNORE THE FACT THE BODY I HAVE MAKES ME PHYSICALLY ILL, THEN SURELY I CAN GET HIGH ENOUGH TO DROWN OUT EVERYTHING ELSE TOO. DELUGE A LA FOLIE. LIKE SOMETHING LOVECRAFTIAN. LIKE SOMETHING YOU COULD MAKE A RELIGION OUT OF. DO YOU THINK GOD WOULD HAVE SAVED ME IF IT COULD? COULD EVERYTHING REALLY BE DIFFERENT? I MIGHT TAKE THIS DOWN, I'M PRETTY STONED, SO I APOLOGIZE FOR MY MALKAVIAN-ESC RAMBLING. I'VE BEEN WORKING ALL DAY. ALL DAY. I TOOK A BREAK TO DRAW TOGORE THOUGH. I LIKE TOGORE :)